“Now You Show Up?” – Understanding Protest Behaviors in Attachment By Sarah O’Hern, LMHC

Let’s talk about something that happens all the time in relationships but often gets misunderstood: protest behaviors.

You’ve probably seen it (or lived it). One partner—often the pursuer—is begging for closeness, for a conversation, for some sign that the other person cares. It feels urgent. It feels make-or-break. But then—when the other partner finally shows up—there’s a sharp turn. The pursuer might get quiet, cold, dismissive, or even angry. They might say something like, “Forget it,” or “It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

From the outside, this can seem confusing. Wait… wasn’t this exactly what they were asking for? Why are they pushing away what they were fighting so hard to get?

It’s not a contradiction. It’s a protest.

What Are Protest Behaviors?

In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), protest behaviors are what we call those moments when a person—usually someone with an anxious or more activated attachment style—tries to re-establish connection after feeling rejected, ignored, or abandoned. But they don’t do it by softly asking for what they need. They do it through protest.

Sometimes protest looks like reaching out again and again: calling, texting, bringing something up over and over. Other times it looks like shutting down or lashing out—“You don’t actually care about me,” “I can’t believe it took this long,” “You only respond when I’m falling apart.”

To the other partner, this can feel irrational or dramatic. But underneath that behavior is a wound—and a need.

Why the Protest Matters

Protest behaviors aren’t about manipulation. They’re about pain.

When someone has been longing for connection—especially for a long time—and then their partner finally leans in, it can stir up all the old hurt: Where were you when I needed you? Why did I have to break down before you noticed? What if this closeness doesn’t last?

So they push back. Not because they don’t want connection, but because they’re scared to trust it. Scared to believe it might be real this time. Scared that letting down their guard will just lead to disappointment all over again.

This is where a lot of couples get stuck. One partner is trying to step up and be present, and the other is stuck in protest—still hurting, still guarded. It can look like the connection is being rejected, but what’s really happening is this:

The hurt has to come out before the heart can open again.

“But It’s Too Late.”

This is something I hear often from pursuers in therapy: “Now that you’re finally doing the thing I asked for, it feels too late.”

That can sound like punishment to the other partner—but it’s not. It’s grief.

The “too late” feeling is about all the times the need wasn’t met. It’s about learning not to get your hopes up, because hoping hurts. And so even when the partner does show up, the nervous system is bracing for the other shoe to drop.

This is a trust issue, not a love issue.

So much trust has been eroded over time that it becomes hard to let good things in, even when they finally come. And sometimes, protest behaviors are a way of testing—Can I really count on you now? Will you stay if I show you how hurt I really am?

What to Do Instead of Giving Up

If you’re the one on the receiving end of protest, try not to take it personally. I know—that’s a big ask. But the protest is not about this moment; it’s about the history. The protest is the echo of all the other moments when your partner felt alone, unseen, or not prioritized.

What they need now is not defensiveness or shutdown. What they need is your presence. Your patience. Your willingness to stay close while they untangle all that pain.

If you’re the one in protest—if you feel that urge to say “never mind” when your partner finally shows up—be gentle with yourself. This doesn’t make you difficult or ungrateful. It means you’re protecting a heart that’s been disappointed before. But also ask yourself: Is there something I still need to say, or is there something I’m afraid to believe?

Because underneath every protest behavior is a longing: See me. Hear me. Don’t leave me.

Healing Happens in the Moment 

After

 the Protest

It’s easy to get caught in the pattern of protest and retreat, protest and retreat. But healing starts when we slow down, name what’s happening, and stay with the emotions underneath the protest—together.

That might sound like:

• “I’m angry because I was scared I wasn’t important to you.”

• “I know I pushed you away just now. I think I was trying to see if you’d still stay.”

• “It took so much for me to ask for this, and when I didn’t get it right away, it really hurt.”

These are the moments where connection can start to repair. Not through perfection, but through presence.”